My life with her was not an orchid. Our love was like growing a forest of mango trees in the Mojave, with only one person there to care for them. I continued taking on tree after tree, some I took willingly, some I was handed. On paper - or on the internet - it was perfect. We were just the right amount of open online about our lack of perfect, that everyone believed us when we said everything was great. And for her, I think it was, up until the end.
Because of my current perspective on the person my parents raised me to be, I will never sit here and tell people what to believe in. What I will do, is ask you to challenge me and challenge yourself. I'm still learning, and probably so are you. Do not sit so comfortably in your life that you forget what it is or could be like to be on the other side of the fence.
So this morning, I felt the gravity of today & instead of mourning what may not happen, I decided to build a fire in a fire pit that had a inch of standing water in it, with wet firewood. I used 27 matches and tons of paper towels. The pile of burning wood fell over twice and completely went out, so I had to start over. But I had to know that no matter what happens today, if I need to, I can still build a fire to keep my family warm.
A woman's place is in the resistance, marching towards change, feeling pain, and building fires to keep her People warm.
I've spent so much time BEING enough for everyone around me, that I forget whether or not I HAVE enough for other people.
I believe that God is God. I believe that the way I talk to God should be personal, because She gets all of my deepest & darkest parts. I call God, Papa/She/Her/Hers because those are the names that make me most comfortable and connected with Her.
I'm happy and happy people are still allowed to cry. I'm scared to post this.
But I'm doing it anyways because the world needs more vulnerability.
But I knew I had to chose: either look for happiness as hard as you can, or let the Dark & Scary swallow you whole. I chose the former and here we are, one year later and happier than I could have ever imagined.