Stuck and Growing

I love growth. I love pushing myself, being better, being more myself in every moment than I ever thought I could be. Growth is seasonal, and I learn something new every season.

During this season, I’m doing a ton of work figuring out where I’m stuck. I’m learning about how childhood trauma manifests itself in small and huge ways in my adult life. I’m learning about how past relationships have taught me the wrong lessons. I’m learning about the decisions I’ve made weren’t always good (but always right for me at the time). I’m learning how hurtful I’ve been to myself and others over the years.

What I’ve learned so far:

  • There is a huge part of me that is perpetually stuck at 5 years old. My response to fear, my utter inability to function with hunger or any level of tiredness, my desire to be more independent but struggle to achieve that, my ache for approval of all kinds, and again my lack of skill navigating lack of snacks or sleep (because honestly, that’s a huge one…).
  • I’m an ADULT. I turn 25 in two months, and to some, that’s so young, but for me, it’s monumental. I’m learning that I can make my own decisions, rejoice in their successes and learn from their consequences. There is no rulebook, no person that did it best. We’re all just doing our best every moment of every day.
  • I am kind. I am smart. I am beauty-full. I am wise. I am intentional. I am a caregiver.
  • I think differently than other people do. I see the world differently. I interact with energy and people differently. I speak differently. I process differently. This is all good.
  • I’m extremely passionate about challenging other people’s view of themselves and the world around them. There are no bad foods. Every body is a good body. There is something bigger than us. Everything in moderation. Energy cannot be created nor destroyed. We are killing our planet – do something about it. Find something you love to do and move your body. Connect with the energy around you.
  • I’ve made mistakes. I’ve said the wrong thing. I acted immaturely. I’ve hurt other people. I don’t need to carry the shame of all of my mistakes for a single second longer. I did the best I could at the time, and now I could have done it better, but I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if I haven’t made the mistakes I did then.
  • It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to not like your body. It’s okay to be overwhelmed by yourself. But what’s important is focusing on what those things have to teach you.
  • I am surrounded by people who care about what I have to say. I am surrounded by people who value my perspective and outlook on the world. I am surrounded by love, no matter how alone my Dark & Scary likes to make me feel when I’m down.
  • Ask for help. Do not be afraid. Talk to people. Who knows, they might be going through the same thing you are.

Here’s to growing. Here’s to learning. Here’s to doing hard things.

*My forever reminder: if today you don’t feel like a badass, and today reading my self-praise makes you feel less than because you don’t see yourself the same way, please know that you are on the right path. Your current seasons have something to teach you: listen. Ask yourself what you need to know. Tell yourself what you need to hear. You do not need someone else to say it for you. You will get here too, baby girl.

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