First, the pain…
On January 1, 2017 shortly after we counted down to a new beginning, I went to bed. We were drunk and I was lonely because that’s when she felt, but not for me. I fell asleep and she came barging into the strange room, riling up the dog and crawling into bed toward me. I was curled up in a ball pretending to sleep because I knew what she’d want and I didn’t want it that way. I hated the way she couldn’t feel what I saw in her unless she was so far removed from herself that she wasn’t the same person I loved anymore.
We rang in the New Year with sex – but it wasn’t connection and I stopped it short, which upset us both. To her, feeling unwanted, and myself, much the same.
The last 365 days have beat me to the ground in so many ways. I’ve looked for love in so many of the correct wrong places. I didn’t settle, but they weren’t it. I learned though, every time.
I also fell into love in so many of the correct places. I followed Next Right Things and tingly fingertips towards things and people that helped me fall in love with myself and my world and my God over and over and over.
This year I learned that to be broken open does not mean to be broken. To not be someone’s first choice or fought for does not mean you never will be the opposite for someone else. This year I learned about contentment in discomfort and mindfulness in a world that asks us to never stop, not even for a second.
“Challenges provide opportunities that force us to search for a new center of gravity. Don’t resist. Resistance only causes more struggle. You can’t win if you’re fighting The Truth. Instead, persist in finding and letting it break you open.”
My fingers are tingly as I type this, which is something I’ve learned means I’m onto something. These moments are the ones where the veil between my soul, my God and my Intention is at an all time low.
Of the last hour of 2017, I spent at least twenty minutes of it crying. But before you pity me, I ask you to remember how my year started. How I – and so many others around me – were knocked down over and over and kept getting back up.
I’m spending the last moments of 2017 letting the pain wash over me, letting it go, and following my tingly fingertips and blurry line between God and I into the New Year.
2018, let’s go.