My mom asked me last week why I hadn’t written here in so long. I told her, it’s not because I have nothing to say – in fact, I have PLENTY to say – but rather that my writing tends to be where I go when my mind is most explosive. When I feel the jitters and the Dark & Scary and I begin to endanger myself and my sanity, I come to a keyboard. I word vomit and I put it into the world without much proofing or cleaning, because I’m not doing this to show the world my polished self. I come here to be raw with myself (and others who chose to join me) and to crack the seal on my shaken up soda can of a mind.
“Recovery is an unbecoming. My healing has been a peeling away of costume after costume until here I am, still and naked before God, stripped down to my real identity.” -G
In my search to unbecome who I’ve acted as, and realize and dive more and more into who I AM, I’ve used so many coping mechanisms. This blog is the easiest for me, which is why when shit gets real and life is hard and people scare me most, I come here. Where I know people can hear me, but I can still be by myself.
But what I’m learning – what’s been so hard about this recent season of my unbecoming – is that going to people, and little by little sharing myself instead of pouring my entire ocean of a soul and troubles onto someone at once, is harder.
I’m intentionally and unintentionally forcing myself out of my comfort zone and trying to become comfortable in the presence of other people, where before I instantly retreated.
I’m working on what maybe I’ll call ‘micro-isolation’. A well-rounded social butterfly might call this Me Time… But Me Time sounds noisy with the sound of my own thoughts and I’m stuck with those all day long. Isolation is quiet and the air is still and in it I get a break from myself. I’m really good at that though, so I’m learning how to make that happen a little less, and live in the world a little more.
And the cool thing I’m seeing is that the less time I spend isolating, the easier it gets to participate in life. The less time I spend isolating, the more time I have to process my world.
The less time I spend isolating, the less explosive I become.
And that’s made me super thankful for my tribe around me.
Cheers to you for being my people. Cheers to those of you that have entered this space with me and shared your thoughts on my thoughts.
Cheers practicing micro-isolation and less explosive headspaces.
And if you’re wondering, I am still writing pretty frequently in smaller chunks! You can find those in instagram captions usually (to follow me, click here), because a picture might speak a thousand words, but I ALWAYS have more to say.
Strong back. Soft front. Wild heart.