I love growth. I love pushing myself, being better, being more myself in every moment than I ever thought I could be. Growth is seasonal, and I learn something new every season. During this season, I'm doing a ton of work figuring out where I'm stuck. I'm learning about how childhood trauma manifests itself in … Continue reading Stuck and Growing
I don't write this for pity. I actually think this has made me more patient and genuine and thoughtful and so many other positive things. I write this to make people aware that some people have learned to just watch. Some people have a lot to say, if you take the time to listen.
What I’m learning in my present moment and circumstance is that maybe here, now is the More I’ve been searching for? Maybe, being here, now, fully within whatever my Intention is for that moment is the only place I need to be?
This year I learned that to be broken open does not mean to be broken. To not be someone's first choice or fought for does not mean you never will be the opposite for someone else. This year I learned about contentment in discomfort and mindfulness in a world that asks us to never stop, not even for a second.
Cheers to you for being my people. Cheers to those of you that have entered this space with me and shared your thoughts on my thoughts.
Cheers practicing micro-isolation and less explosive headspaces.
This weekend, I found in myself a long (long, long, long) buried independent stubbornness. I found an outlet for my body, mind and spirit. I am learning to find happiness on my own - in the middle of the woods with no one to ease my pain, exactly as you hope I am.
And this is the part I love. Life starts coming back. It starts with grasses, and then some wildflowers, and then eventually, the trees. First the aspens (my favorite), their leaves catching in the breeze and always reminding me of rain, and then the pines, steady, strong and resilient.
My life with her was not an orchid. Our love was like growing a forest of mango trees in the Mojave, with only one person there to care for them. I continued taking on tree after tree, some I took willingly, some I was handed. On paper - or on the internet - it was perfect. We were just the right amount of open online about our lack of perfect, that everyone believed us when we said everything was great. And for her, I think it was, up until the end.
Because of my current perspective on the person my parents raised me to be, I will never sit here and tell people what to believe in. What I will do, is ask you to challenge me and challenge yourself. I'm still learning, and probably so are you. Do not sit so comfortably in your life that you forget what it is or could be like to be on the other side of the fence.
So this morning, I felt the gravity of today & instead of mourning what may not happen, I decided to build a fire in a fire pit that had a inch of standing water in it, with wet firewood. I used 27 matches and tons of paper towels. The pile of burning wood fell over twice and completely went out, so I had to start over. But I had to know that no matter what happens today, if I need to, I can still build a fire to keep my family warm.
A woman's place is in the resistance, marching towards change, feeling pain, and building fires to keep her People warm.